


Midnight Ramblings

by Leloi



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Episode: s04e01 The Six Thatchers, F/M, Grieving John, M/M, POV First Person, Season/Series 04, Spoilers, hints of infidelity, stream of thought
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-09-14 05:12:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9163672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leloi/pseuds/Leloi
Summary: This is normally where I copy and paste a portion of the fic to entice the reader... But this time there's too many spoilers.This is my "feels" about Six Thatchers.





	

This is my fault. Me. My own. I did this. A part of me wished to escape from the woman who confined me. I ached to escape. She betrayed me. She shot him and they forced me to continue. I knew I couldn’t but be begged me. I couldn’t and I didn’t want to. She betrayed me and he pushed me. And so I thought “what if, for once, I did the betraying?” He betrayed me, she betrayed me. Now it’s my turn. And it would be so easy.

And it proves he is wrong and I am not attracted to danger. Of course someone may say that there was a danger of being caught. I was rather careless with my mobile and I work with someone who makes it a habit to read all the careless details. It was as if I wanted to be caught.

But she didn’t deserve this.

And he promised.

He promised me… Us. He promised to be there. He was there and he did nothing.

And now she’s gone. Rosie will never remember her.

What am I to do?

If only I hadn’t been distracted… If I had insisted on going first… Then what?

He’d be dead.

Again.

She protected him and I don’t even deserve her because of what I was planning to do. I gave up on her months ago and she still sacrificed herself. 

Why would she do this? He doesn’t even want to live! He’s been ready to die since his suicide attempt on the plane. Soon he’ll be gone and I’ll be alone. 

If I hadn’t let her go… If I hadn’t been so eager to put a distance between us.

I have to stop thinking like this. What was it Mrs. Hudson said he said? “Work is the best antidote for sorrow.” Who says that? He hasn’t stopped working since he ODed.

I don’t understand why he wanted to die. I don’t understand why he has disengaged and thrown himself into constantly working. Had he slowed down would she still be here? If he had not dragged us off into his case would she still be alive?

If I had thrown away a number would she still be here?

I know… It’s not him I’m angry at. I’m angry at myself. It’s called deflection. But I still feel it directed at him even though I know I let her go first. I know I disengaged. I gave up on making us work as a couple. I know I shouldn’t blame him. I want to blame him for his empty promises but it’s not right. He’s only human.

The last time he was completely focused on me was during my wedding. And for that he flaked and left very early and hid for over a month like he was…

Oh God…

Grieving.

He’s grieving. Why didn’t I know that? Because he’s been working. Working hard…

And what had Mrs. Hudson said about work and sorrow? He couldn’t even put his mobile away for two seconds during Rosie’s christening which means…

No!

No, I will not think of him! I’m thinking about her and how I don’t deserve her.

She liked him. Even at the end she liked him. And he liked her. He liked her and valued her as a competent equal… A partner.

Because I chose her.

And then she betrayed me and I betrayed her. And now she’s dead. But he’s alive… Alive but wishing himself dead. Grieving.

Grieving since my wedding day.

Wait… What? Why would that…?

No… He doesn’t…

It can’t be.

Why would he watch me get married if he…? Why would he put himself through that if he…?

Because I asked him. I wanted it and he did it because I asked him. That’s why he looked so horrified when I asked him. And he stood as a godfather to my daughter… He said it himself during his speech… He loves me.

No… I can’t think about this right now. This is too much.

\--Fin

**Author's Note:**

> "Work is the best antidote for sorrow" is a direct quote from the show (Sherlock says it to Mrs. Hudson). In "Adventure of the Empty House" Holmes says it to Watson when commenting on Watson's recent bereavement.
> 
> It also explains why Sherlock is obsessively working during much of the episode. He's working through sorrow so he doesn't sink into despair like Artax in the Swamps of Sadness in the Never Ending Story. An 80's kid would totally get that reference.


End file.
